What is a boundary

My clients often explain to me how they set a boundary. They tell me something like, “I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop putting me down in public,” or “I set a boundary. I told her she has to be on time from now on,” or “I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop being critical of me.”

This is not a boundary. A boundary is not about telling another person what to do. It is about telling another person what YOU will do in the face of the other’s continued unkind or undesirable behavior. While it is hard for most people to accept, we cannot control another’s behavior. What we can control is our own response in the face of others’ behavior.

A boundary is about telling your truth and taking action on it. For example:

“I’m no longer willing to be with you in public when you put me down. The next time you do that, I will announce to everyone that I’m unwilling to be put down by you any more. Then I will leave and take the car or a cab home.”

“I’m no longer willing to be late to events because of you being late. The next time you are late, I will leave without you. If you continue to be late, then I will just plan on taking separate cars.”

“Your constant criticisms feel awful to me. From now on, when you are critical, I will tell you that it feels awful and leave the room.”

Then, of course, you have to take the action you have said you would take. If you do not take the action, then what you have said is a manipulation rather than a truth. A boundary means nothing until you are willing to take the action.

The tricky part of this has to do with your intent. If you intent is to control the other person rather than take loving care of yourself, then your statement and action is just another form of control. If your desire is to take responsibility for yourself, then your tone of voice will be calm and matter-of-fact – just letting the other person know what you will be doing or are doing. If your desire is to control the other person, then your tone of voice will be angry, blaming, and accusing, and your energy will be hard and closed.

We cannot hide our intent – it will always come through in our energy and our tone of voice. However you might try to mask an intent to control, the other will always pick up on it and probably react to it with his or her own controlling behavior.

You are coming from a place of personal power when your intent is to take loving care of yourself rather than control the other. Since you cannot ultimately control another, trying to will leave you feeling frustrated and powerless.

The challenging part of this is taking the loving action on your own behalf. In order to take loving care of yourself, you need to be willing to let go of the outcome regarding how the other person will feel and behave. If you are focused on controlling how the other person will feel in the face of your actions, then you will not be able to take the loving action. If your focus is on the other person, such as, “He will feel hurt and angry if I leave the party,” or “She will be furious with me if I leave without her,” or “He will feel rejected and tell me I am running away from conflict if I leave the room when he is critical,” then you will be unable to take the loving action.

Only if you are in compassion for yourself will you be able to act on your own behalf. Compassion for yourself means that you are 100% willing to take responsibility for your own feelings rather than trying to get someone else to do it for you, or rather than trying to control another’s feelings. It means that you are willing for the other person to be upset with you rather than continue to be treated unkindly.

People tend to mirror how we treat ourselves. If you tolerate unkind treatment, you are letting others know that it is okay to treat you badly. By taking loving care of yourself in the face of others’ unkind behavior, you will find that generally others will respect you and treat you well.

A little patience goes a long way

We all know that relationships can be difficult. One of the best methods we have for making every relationship less stressful and more enjoyable is to show a little patience. Patience has been defined as what we lack for the driver in front of us and demand from the driver behind us.

In truth, patience is nothing more than time.

Time before we say something: Think of a time when someone was not patient with you when you needed them to be. Think of how you felt. Think of how deeply you might have been hurt. The next time you find yourself losing patience with another, take a moment to remind yourself of how you felt when someone had no patience with you.

Time before moaning and groaning: Patience takes time, but no more time than the showing of anger; of stomping or yelling or whining or complaining. A little patience can often resolve a conflict that a loss of patience will only escalate.

Time to just let things run their course: Arnold H. Glasow said, “The key to everything is patience. You get a chicken by hatching an egg, not by smashing it.” Some things require a certain amount of time. Losing patience only hurts ourselves and won’t speed up the process.

So take the time to smile instead of frown; the time to wink instead of snarl. How much time does it really take to give someone a small nod or a pat on the back? We never stop to think about how a little of our time can make such a big difference in how we make another feel.

Benjamin Franklin said, “He that can have patience can have what he will.”

The lack of patience is the key to so much unhappiness and grief in this world, when all it requires is a little time on our part. One of the simplest ways to build stronger relationships and bring more happiness into our lives is by becoming a little more patient. Showing someone patience is really giving to another that which we wish to receive, while a lack of patience is nothing more than a reflection of ourselves.

A guys s painless guide to engagement pt.1

So you’ve finally gone and done it. You proposed. And surprise…she actually said yes!

After you pick yourself off the floor from from sheer disbelief after her actually saying yes, you suddenly realize that a whole bunch of things have been set in motion. Your beloved is now in her own world, and she is in a planning frenzy. All you can do is look with slack-jawed amazement as your future wife talks to friends, picks flowers, reads countless books, and engages herself in the duties of being an engaged woman.

I know all about it. It’s happened to me twice. So besides staying out of the way (it is HER day after all, don't forget that), what do YOU do as a future groom? Where do you begin? What’s the first step? What things in planning this wedding should the both of you do equally?

Let me share a few quick thought about that from a groom’s perspective. After all, even though this is a wedding for you both.

There's not much we as guys really care about with weddings, except making the bride happy. Outside of that, we're not really concerned with much else. I really didn't care if the flowers were pink or green, and I didn't have a "vibe" about who should shoot the pictures. But there are siome things, when it comes

One thing that I would suggest is that you nail down your tuxedo style. Do it quick, before your beloved gets her inset ideas about color and bridesmaid’s dresses. If you don’t, you’ll be finding a tux to match her style, not your own. At the very least, by choosing the tux first, she’ll have to consider your style. And you REALLY don’t want to wear a PINK cummerbund, do you?

Another thing: Get a GOOD ring. You’ll save money in the long run, I promise you. Wedding-Day-Planner. com has a wide selection of wedding rings in different sizes, styles and price ranges. I’ll say it again, GET A GOOD RING. There’s nothing worse that paying money for a ring, then having a diamond fall out because the setting wasn’t done right.

You’ll be out of that money, as feel like a idiot for flushing money down the drain. I’ll say it for the third time, because men and hard of hearing: GET A GOOD RING.

Accessorize for less. Yes, guys, there is more to this that renting a tux. Once again, I suggest Wedding-Day-Planner. com. They have tons of items, over 12,000 of them, from rings to ties to chocolates. They operate in conjunction with Amazon. com, so the service is great, and you can most stuff in 1-2 days. You can’t beat that, and it’s better than traveling from one wedding store to another. Shopping’s painful enough for us guys.

Check out the store, you’ll probably get some cool ideas that she’ll like.

And I’m not just the owner, I’m a client.

And one last thing, guys: relax. The hard part is over, you’ve asked the woman that makes your heart jump out of your chest to say yes to you, and she has. Sure, the preparation may drive you nuts at times, but remember, it’s HER day. And it’s all about making her happy. Because when Mama’s happy, everyone else is happy. Including you.

Welcome to marriage, guys. It’s really good, I promise. You don’t have to plan everything, that’s what she does. But when you have your say, it makes it clear that you’re in this with her. And that you’re in it for life. And that, it the end is all she really wants.

A good communication technique

Human beings are social beings and we are interacting with people every day of our life. Often, our happiness depends a great deal on how the interactions with each person turn out. This is especially true of those whom we care about e. g. in close friendships as well as in marriage. However, because each personality we deal with is unique and presents its own challenges, managing the myriad of relationships requires us to consciously observe the process and impact of our interactions so that we continue to gain knowledge, understanding and experience in developing relationships in a positive way.

I have realized that to have good management of relationships, we need to be assertive and honest in sharing our thoughts, feelings and concerns. However, this needs to be done in a way that does not provoke the other party, but is instead respectful and encourages both parties to listen to each other. A good way to do this is through the communication technique of "I" Messages.

In "I" messages, statements are made about ourselves, how we feel and our concerns, and what actions of the other party has led to the concerns. "You" messages focus on the other person and would usually lead the other party to become defensive unless the "You" message is a positive statement of the other person. For example, a husband or wife is waiting for the return of the spouse and when the spouse returns, he or she might be greeted by this: "You are always coming home late! Why can't you come back earlier?" This "You" message leads to the spouse feeling blamed and attacked and the ensuing communication would likely not be an amiable one. In a conflicting situation, "You" message focuses on attacking the other person. As a result, the primary issues are pushed aside. In contrast, in this same scenario, an "I" message would look like this: "I feel rather lonely while waiting for you to come home. I'm concerned that you are often home late and I get rather frustrated wondering when you're going to be home." In this statement therefore, the speaker shares his or her feelings and concerns. The clear communication of the concern is a good starting point for both parties to work out what can be done about it.

"I" messages are effective because the focus is on the issue or concern and not on the other person. The sharing of the speaker's feelings can also lead to more trust in the relationship as it shows the speaker is willing to look within himself or herself and take responsibility for his or her feelings.

In fact, generally in most interactions, my opinion is that the use of "I" messages is always superior to "You" messages and is a more respectful way of communicating. So, even when expressing positive feelings, a "You" message: "You look good in this dress", could be enhanced by "I" messages: "I'm so happy to see you. I remember all the fun we used to have. You look good."

Generally, there are three parts to an "I" message:

I feel _________________ (express your feeling)

when you _____________ (describe the action that affects you or relates to the feeling)

because _______________ (explain how the action affects you or relates to the feeling)

The order in which the 3 parts are expressed is usually not important.

Sometimes a fourth part might be added. This states our preference for what we would like to take place instead.

Examples of more "I" messages:

"I get very anxious when you raise your voice at me because it makes me feel like I've done something very wrong. Could you please not raise your voice when we talk?"

"I'm so happy you're learning to cook because then I'll know you can prepare your own meal when I'm unable to be home in time to cook."

"When you take so long talking to your friend on the phone, I'm concerned that there might be urgent calls that cannot come through. Also, I feel frustrated as I would like to spend more time with you. How about asking your friend to call at another time, when I am not around."

Use of "I" messages might not come naturally to most people initially. However, with practice, you will be surprised at how you will begin to like this communication approach, especially when you begin to experience the good result of better quality interactions and more harmonious relationships.

Reference:

1. succezz. com/S2/ForbiddenPsychologicalTactics. html

2. succezz. com/happy1.html

3. jacobgan. com/MotivateYourWayToSuccess. html